Scariest Weapons in the US Arsenal aka Weapons So Badass It Hurts
Posted on December 7, 2007
Ohio-class Ballistic Submarine with Trident II SLBMs
Here’s one simple reason why this sub is scary: the 14 boats in this class carry roughly half of the United States’ total strategic weapon inventory. Each carry 24 Trident missiles for instant nuclear gratification on whatever country pisses us off. With nuclear-powered engines, this boat rarely needs to refuel and can go 15 years between overhauls. Scary to the enemies: You never know where these submarines lurk…
A-10 Thunderbolt II with GAU-8/A Avenger
So ugly that it’s called the Warthog, the A-10 carries the massive power of the GAU-8/A Avenger gatling gun. The Avenger is used for tankbusting by combining a mix of high- explosive shells and armored piercing shells. The slow speed of the Warthog is easily offset by the massive firepower carried on its gently sloped nose, which is symbolic of a penis being shoved up one’s ass when the gun is fired. The unmistakenble noise of the Avenger and the slow, I’m-know-I’m-a-bad-ass flight of the A-10 causes the enemy to ruin their pants and run away like pussies. Scary to the enemies: Say goodbye to your tanks and prepare to run…
M1A2 Abrams Tank
63 tons of hardcore on treads. These tanks are so tough that one got stuck in the mud so another Abrams had to destroy it at point blank. Only it couldn’t destroy it because the armor was so tough. And, heck, why not use our supreme nuclear power to use depleted uranium for the shells and the armor plating? Enemy tanks during the Gulf War found out how awesome these tanks were when the M1s shrugged off shells fired by the Iraqis… and then met the nuclear-enhanced firepower of the M1s. And forget about calling AAA for gas, the engines run on diesel, kerosene, regular motor gas, or even jet fuel. Eat it suckas! Scary to the enemies: Forget about running, your ass is the Abrams’ for 4000 meters.
F-22A Raptor with AIM-120 AMRAAM
So awesome they made the badass Starscream an F-22 in the new Transformers movie. This fighter has already proven it’s ass kicking qualities in numerous war games, taking out “enemy” aircraft with its fire-and-forget AMRAAMs without the “enemies” even seeing them. Designed with stealth in mind, the F-22 has graceful lines, missiles hidden in its fuselage, and supercruise… which means this horror from hell can sneak up on you in an instant at the speed of sound without ever engaging the afterburner. So forget about flying peacefully on your combat patrol, you’ll be dead from an AMRAAM before you know it while the pilot of the F-22 miles away laughs and eats another donut. Scary to the enemies: Don’t blink, you’ll miss yourself getting blown up.
B-2 Spirit
They call this nuclear-laden bomber the Spirit for a reason: you can’t see it. It’s a friggin flying wing with stealth. It gives the middle finger to even the thought of having a tail. It flies on pure badassness by itself and is the aeriel brother of the Ohio-class submarine: you never know where it lurks and it can nuke whoever pissed us off back to the stone age. Plus it knows black goes with everything, including the massive mushroom cloud produced by one of its babies. Scary to the enemies: That’s not your cousin whistling behind you, that’s a bomb dropping on your head.
B-52 Stratofortress
This plane says to its younger brother, “Screw stealth, I go with big and scary.” This plane is so big with such a large wingspan to hold its explosive weight it has to have auxillary wheels on its wingtips. This bomber is scary with the amount of bombs it can shove up the enemy’s ass. It goes old school with simple carpet bombing. Might as well make sure you killed who you want to kill. And it will still be killing who it wants to kill 30 years from now. Yes, this scary son of a bitch was first operational in 1954 and keeps planning on hauling explosive terror into 2040. Scary to the enemies: Your terrorist son will have grandchildren that will still have to fear the wrath of this plane.
Nimitz-class Aircraft Carrier
It’s a supercarrier. That right there sounds badass and scary. Plus it can carry up to 90 aircraft for quick, delicious air attacks on a country of its choosing. And forget attacking these bad boys: they’re protected by an awesome array of get-the-hell-away-from-me. Oh, and an entire fleet of support ships as well. Being nuclear-powered also means it can chase an enemy’s ass across the globe without stopping. The funny thing is… the enemy will have to stop… to get fuel and to get their ass blown up. Scary to the enemies: Seeing or knowing one is parked in your backyard pretty much sits your ass down and makes you cooperate.
LGM-30G Minuteman III ICBM
Ring. “United States Strategic Command, may I take your order?”
“Yes, I’d like an order of nuclear halocaust.”
“Coming right up, sir. One Minuteman coming at you at 15,000 mph.”
Boom.
Our final answer to any situation. Luckily our other scary weapons of war makes the enemy cower before we have to use these. Armed with nuclear warheads, a few Minuteman missiles can wipe out an entire country and turn it into a glass-covered parking lot. If that’s not scary enough for you, you’re obviously out of your mind. This thing is so serious about nailing its target and killing more people singlehandedly than any battle that is has to enter space just to prove how cool it is. Then it slams down on your head. Scary to the enemies: We have enough of these to wipe out all life on the planet… but we’d rather use them all on you.
Mk 19 Grenade Launcher
Good lord, I don’t know what’s scarier: your mom running at me naked or being fired at by a Mk 19 grenade launcher. 350 rounds of explosive yumminess per minute. That’s a lot of splattered meat. And a flash suppressor and no smoke means you play a dangerous game of Hot Potato without knowing where the Hot Potato is coming from. The fact that this BMF has very little recoil means the rain of death can come from any vehicle. And it can take out vehicles with two inches of armor. Nice. Scary to the enemies: Your puckered ass isn’t safe for 2000 meters.
AH-64 Apache
Nothing is scarier than an attack helicopter popping up suddenly from behind a group of trees. Combining a badass chain gun with rockets and missiles, this chopper can make your picnic in the forest a blast. This scary mofo can operate in any weather, day or night, and can bust up your pimpin’ tank. Heck, all the pilot has to do is nod his head at an enemy and he’s toast, thanks to the targeting system integrated into his helmet. Scary to the enemies: Can you stand a persistent rail of gunfire from tree level?
AC-130 Spectre
The enemy may think it’s just a regular C-130 transport… until it opens up with its vast array of weaponry, including gatling guns, miniguns, and Vulcan cannons, and totally destroys the enemy’s birthday party. It’s called the Spectre for a reason: it likes to catch its prey at night, lighting up the night sky with the muzzle flash of its numerous weapons and solidify its spot as the Spectre of Death. Being the only fixed-winged gunship in the world, this guy knows it needs to pack in the firepower to hold up against its helicopter kin. Scary to the enemy: The angel of death resulting from the firing of the guns is coming for you.
M249 SAW
So scary only a few people in a squad use it, cramming 750 rounds of bullet fun up the enemy’s ass in a minute. This is a gun people like Rambo are made for. The guys who use this gun aren’t told to fire in one-round shots. They go for the jugular, unleashing hell on the enemy, ripping bodies to shreds. Say hello to my little friend, and say hello to your god when you get there. Scary to the enemy: Fires more rounds by itself than you can afford in a month.
Two for the future
Gerald R. Ford-class Aircraft Carrier
The successor of the Nimitz-class aircraft carrier, formerly known as the CVNX or CVN-21. Who the hell heard of a stealth aircraft carrier? Well, they’re trying with this one, reducing numerous features that created a large radar blip. More modern than the Nimitz, this carrier class will continue American ass kicking for years to come. Unfortunately the first ship, the USS Gerald R. Ford, is scheduled to replace the historic USS Enterprise in 2015.
F-35 Lightning II
The F-22’s baby brother. Incorporating many of the design features of the F-22 but in a cheaper package and comes in three flavors depending on the military branch. The Air Force will use a conventional F-35 to replace the F-16 in 2011. The Navy will use an F-35 with a strengthened fuselage, wing folding, and an arrester hook to replace the F/A-18 in 2012. The Marines will use a highly modifed F-35 with Short Take-Off/Vertical Landing to replace the AV-8B Harrier in 2012. The enemy will be so confused, not knowing who is attacking them and whether or not it’s the badass F-22 coming in at them (if it decides to show itself).
And two that could have been scary until the government pussed out and cancelled them
RAH-66 Comanche
Stealth helicopter, what else can I say?
XM2001 Crusader
A badass mobile Howitzer. It just oozes coolness and asskicking.
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WE ARE BADASS!
I hope I get to use the aa12 in the marines once I join. :*)